Okay, it’s confession time! I’ve been holding onto some weird, wonderfully ridiculous habits for years things I thought only I did. But after one late-night scroll through Reddit, a deep dive into the TikTok comment sections, and an emotionally revealing group chat session (fuelled by wine and poor decisions), I realised: We’re all doing the same stuff. We’re just too shy to admit it.
So in the spirit of oversharing and lovingly calling us all out, here are the oddly specific, sometimes embarrassing, always relatable things we all do. Yes, you too.
1. Pretending to Text So You Don’t Look Awkward in Public
Waiting for a friend. Standing in a queue. Caught in a hallway where someone’s just a bit too far to say hi but just close enough to make eye contact. So what do we do? Phone. Out. Immediately.
No messages. No signal. No shame.
Sometimes I open Notes and jot down fictitious deep thoughts such as “Become the woman your dog thinks you are,” as if someone is observing me from a distance, marvelling at my intellectual prowess.
2. Making Deals With Your Brain Like It’s a Shady Business Partner
“Okay, if I don’t trip over this pavement crack, then tomorrow will be a good day.”
“If I can plug my charger in on the first try, he’ll text back.”
“If I finish brushing my teeth before the ad ends, I’m definitely not dying alone.” Just as a few examples
Absolutely no logic. But my brain accepts the terms. Yours does too. Don’t lie.
3. Stalking Yourself Like You’re the Celebrity Crush
I’m not saying I rewatch my Instagram stories for confidence boosts… except, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. We all do it. Occasionally I scroll through my feed and think, Damn, who’s she? And then it hits: oh, right. It’s me.
Have you ever reread an old WhatsApp message you sent just because you nailed the delivery? Thought so.
4. Creating Entire Fake Scenarios in the Shower
The water hits. The curtain closes. And suddenly, you’re giving a TED Talk on surviving heartbreak with eyeliner intact.
Occasionally I imagine telling off a rude customer who wronged me in 2016. At other times, I imagine myself on Hot Ones, where I am charmingly spicy and universally adored. Either way, I always win the argument.
5. Saying “Sorry!” to Inanimate Objects
Bumped into a table?
Knocked over a water bottle?
Tripped over your shoe?
“OH, sorry!” came out instantly, as if the table were going to file an HR complaint. We’re just out here spreading polite energy to furniture.
6. The Fake Phone Call During Social Anxiety Moments
When you see someone you vaguely know coming towards you and panic sets in—do we talk? Do we nod? Do we pretend we didn’t see each other? Cue the fake phone call.
“Hello? Yeah! No, I’m just on my way now! Haha, I know, right? LOL. Bananas!”
There’s no one on the line. There never was.
7. Eating Snacks Like a Goblin When No One’s Watching
Oh, you eat chips one at a time in public? Cute.
But when I’m alone, it’s a whole different vibe. I’m hunched over like Gollum, double-fisting biscuits and doing that thing where you tilt the bag to pour the crumbs directly into your mouth like a true snack goblin.
No plate. No grace. Just primal joy.
8. Imagining Your Life as a Movie Montage
What happens when it rains and you have headphones in? Movie.
Are you preparing for a trip and dancing to Dua Lipa? Montage.
Is it possible to shed tears while folding laundry? Oscar-worthy.
I swear I can hear a narrator every time I dramatically stare out a window. “Little did she know, everything was about to change…”
9. The Mirror Pep Talk That Turns Into a Whole Scene
“Okay. You’ve got this.”
“You are powerful. You are kind. You are slightly unhinged, but you are doing GREAT.”
Then you lock eyes with your reflection, raise your eyebrows and say, “Let’s go, bitch.” And you do. Even if you’re just going to buy milk.
Final Thought:
We all do weird stuff. We all think we’re the only ones. But spoiler: you’re not alone, you little dramatic, mirror-talking, chip-crunching masterpiece.
So let’s normalise being gloriously weird. Overshare in the comments. Be honest. We’re all goblins here.
